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Ira
Kane : If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I
be?
Harry Block : Lingerie.
Ira Kane : Not you, the bird.
Harry Block
: Lingerie.
Ira Kane : Give me back my friend, you big sphincter!
[Dr. Paulson is going to pull the alien bug out through Harry's rectum]
Nurse Tate : I'll get the lubricant...
Dr. Paulson : No time for lubricant!
Harry Block : There's ALWAYS time for lubricant!
Ira Kane : Ira Kane, head
of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College.
Harry Block : Harry
Block, United States Geological Survey.
Wayne Grey : Wayne Grey. I took some
chemistry in high school.
[the heroes just killed a dinosaur-like creature]
Ira Kane : So, what do you want? Light meat, or dark?
Harry Block : You have
to ask?
Harry Block : So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments
or is it just one lump sum, like the lottery?
Ira Kane : Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.
Harry Block : Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself. I've very
concerned about the potential tax consequences.
[an alien bug is crawling
inside Block's leg]
Dr. Allison Reed : What are you gonna do?
Dr.
Paulson : We might have to amputate.
Harry Block : Whoa, Doc! Don't take the
leg! Ira, don't let them take my leg.
Ira Kane : Isn't there anything else
you can do? He thinks he's an athlete.
Nurse Tate : Doctor, look!
Dr.
Paulson : It's headed for his testicles.
Harry Block : Take it! Take it! Take
the leg!
Wayne Grey : [as they arm themselves in the sporting goods
store] You ever use one of these things before?
Harry Block : Just 'cause
I'm a schoolteacher, that don't make me a pussy.
Ira Kane : Ladies, ladies,
there's a terrifying alien bird menacing the mall. Can we focus?
Ira Kane
: [after a tiny alien fly is pulled out of Harry's rectum] You should have
seen the size of that thing you had inside you, it was like this!
[measures
with his hands]
Ira Kane : You took it like a man.
Harry Block : Great
googa-mooga!
Wayne Grey : [trying to get the alien's attention with
an open mike] Ka Ka! Tukki Tukki!
Harry Block : Wayne, I think we've established
that "Ka Ka" and "Tukki Tukki" don't work.
Wayne Grey : Right. Sorry.
[He starts singing into the mike]
Wayne Grey : You are so beautiful,
to me...
Ira Kane : Step back, Harry, I'm gonna shoot him.
Harry Block
: Uh-uh, stand down! I'm taking this one out myself.
Wayne Grey : Can't you
see...
Harry Block : Wayne, would you please stop, because you are embarrasing
me.
[Wayne starts singing louder and directly to Harry]
Harry
Block : Testing, testing, one, two, one-one-one-two... this is D.J. Harry Block
here, and I'm an Aquarius...
Ira Kane : Harry, would you stop it? I can hear
you.
Harry Block : Don't you snap at me, unless you want an angry solid gold
dancer on your hands, Ira.
Ira Kane : You wouldn't understand.
Dr.
Allison Reed : No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice queen in desperate need
of a good humping.
Ira Kane : Oh... you heard that, huh?
Dr. Allison Reed
: Loud and clear.
[after an alien bug crawls into his body]
Harry Block : For the love of everything good and holy, get this goddamn thing
out of me!
Nadine : I really need these credits to get into nursing school.
Harry Block : Nursing school? Don't you think you'd be happier in a different
profession, one where people's lives were NOT dependent on you?
Dr. Allison
Reed : I would've rocked your world.
Ira Kane : You already have.
[Harry
has just had an alien removed rectally]
Dr. Allison Reed : It's over,
it's over. You did great! Do you need anything? Can we get you anything?
Harry
Block : Ice cream... I'd like an ice cream please.
Dr. Allison Reed : Okay,
what flavor?
Harry Block : It doesn't matter. It's for my ass.
Harry
Block : Shouldn't we call the government to help us out on this?
Ira Kane
: Absolutely not! I know those people.
Harry Block : Liar Liar Pants On
Fire!
Nadine : Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are
breaking.
Ira Kane : It's not breaking, it's splitting. It's mitosis it's
how they reproduce.
Harry Block : No sex?
Ira Kane : No time for sex.
Nadine : Bummer.
Harry Block : I'm no biologist, but how many cells do
single-celled organisms have?
Ira Kane : Harry, if we're going to be big important
scientists you have to start to act the part.
Ira Kane : Snag it!
Harry
Block : Snag it?
Ira Kane : Yeah. Come on, it's for science.
Harry Block
: I've seen this movie, the black dude dies first. YOU snag it!
[they
see a dying monster coughing something up]
Wayne Grey : Whoa! It's like
a big lugie!
[the 'egg' breaks, and another monster comes out]
Harry Block : Mazel tov! It's a boy!
Ira Kane : You're gonna be all right,
buddy! Cut him open, let's get this thing!
Harry Block : CUT ME OPEN! There
goes your Christmas gift, Judas!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : I didn't
know you were coming to see the show.
Governor Lewis : Well, you damn well
better make it a good one, Sergeant!
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : That's
general!
Governor Lewis : Not if you screw this up.
Ira Kane : Unfortunately
I couldn't give an 'A' to your papers because of the paragraph you wrote which
I was unfortunate to memorize: "Cell's are bad. My uncle lives in a 'Cell' in
which he only has a magazine to read and the same lousy food to eat. THE END"!
Harry
Block : Keep your chin up. You know she wanted to give you some, didn't you?
Ira Kane : Were you even in that courtroom?
Harry Block : Getting barbecued
like baby back ribs? It's all foreplay, baby.
[they return to their lab,
to find the door broken in, and all their work stolen]
Ira Kane : Oh,
we've been hit!
Harry Block : Forget the foreplay. We just got screwed!
Lt.
Cryer : All the monitors are down!
Governor Lewis : Well that can't be good!
Dr.
Allison Reed : At this rate, they will take over Glen Canyon in three days. In
two weeks, the rest of Arizona. Within three months, the United States will officially
belong to them. And we are extinct.
Governor Lewis : Oh, you gotta be shittin'
me!
Governor Lewis : What, the fuzzy no-nosed chimps?
Brigadier
Gen. Russell Woodman : Suffice to say, we're all very appreciative of the discovery
made by Dr. Kane and Mr. Black...
Harry Block : Block!
[Kane and
Block disguise themselves as a colonel and a private to sneak into the military
base]
Harry Block : I still don't understand why you get to be colonel
and I'm just a private.
Ira Kane : I WAS a colonel.
Harry Block : Yeah,
and you obviously served your country with distinction.
Ira Kane : You should
be thankful, the penalty for impersonating an officer is five years in prison.
Harry Block : Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang.
Wayne Grey : Now
that's a face for radio.
Harry Block : There's a fly in my suit!
[as
Allison introduces herself, she trips and falls, and her skirt rides up]
Ira Kane : A garter belt? At a day function?
[Ira moons General Woodman]
Ira Kane : Fruit basket for Russell Woodman!
Dr. Allison Reed : Dr. Kane,
you were a top-level researcher at USAMRIID until 1997, is that correct?
Ira
Kane : Yes. Dr. Allison Reed : Until you were dismissed in June. Can you tell
us why that was?
Ira Kane : My services were no longer required?
Dr. Allison
Reed : So, in your opinion, your dismissal had nothing to do with an experimental
anthrax vaccine that you developed and distributed to over 40,000 U.S. soldiers
in May of that year?
Ira Kane : [leans in] I see where you're going
with this.
[louder]
Ira Kane : It may have been a factor, you'd
have to ask the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Dr. Allison Reed : I'll make a note
to do that. But in the meantime, could you tell us what happened to the soldiers
who were inoculated with your vaccine?
Ira Kane : Well, uh, none of them got
anthrax, if that's what you're asking.
[fakes some chuckles]
Dr.
Allison Reed : What did they get?
Ira Kane : Well, as with any new vaccine,
there were certain side effects...
Dr. Allison Reed : Could you be more specific?
Ira Kane : Well, it was a wide range of things, it's very technical, I'd hate
to waste the court's time...
Dr. Allison Reed : Humor me.
Ira Kane : Some
debilitating stomach cramps... severe diarrhea... memory loss.
Dr. Allison
Reed : Go on. Any more symptoms?
Ira Kane : Partial facial paralysis, temporary
blindness, drooling, bleeding gums, erectile dysfunction, uncontrollable flatulence.
I think that's it.
Dr. Allison Reed : One more question. Do you recall what
the soldiers called this illness?
Ira Kane : Yeah, they called it "The Kane
Madness."
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : We'll seal off the tunnels,
and then we burn the alien menace right the hell out of there.
Dr. Allison
Reed : With what?
Brigadier Gen. Russell Woodman : With napalm. Lots and lots
of napalm.
Ira Kane : Napalm? Why don't you just nuke 'em while you're at
it?
Col. Flemming : What about nukes?
[Woodman starts thinking about
it]
Governor Lewis : Pull your horns in there, boys! Nobody's dropping
an H-bomb in the middle of my state! | |
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